Wolfenstein: The Old Blood helped me live out my deepest desires—killing Nazis, half naked, rocking two big ass shotguns, while blood is gushing everywhere, as if a bloodsprinkler went off, giving even the golden shower a run for its money! You know, normal kinky stuff.

Do I know the OG lore of Wolfenstein? -Nope
Did that impact my enjoyment of the story? -Nope
Hotel? -Castle Wolfenstein

Anyway, the story is campy, yes, but has some genuine feels moments too. Characters I met for a brief second were believable, memorable, due to the history they hold within this world. And all the notes I found further expand the setting, a first for me, actually enjoying reading these collectables. Overall, I’m a fan of the story and its many twists and turns. Plus, William J. Blazkowicz, aka B.J., is a relatable character—man doesn’t care for wearing shirts.

So, armed with the hate of shirts and a plan, B.J. and Wesley set out for Castle Wolfenstein to turn the tide of war.

While a first-person shoota at heart, I gotta talk about something unconventional for the genre—stealth! It’s amazing. Each enemy checkpoint, unless alerted via cutscene, has officers with Gamer Headssets patrolling, just itching to call their bros should they see your uncultured, naked, chiseled, body squawking around, killing. But hold on to your meat, because entire combat sections can be fully skipped by being super sneaky, slipping past enemies. That’s just amazing to me.

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Anyway, I started blasting; alarms were raised and many Nazis glazed (with bullets), just as God intended. And the shooting… the shooting, man… Just so damn buttery smooth. I even turned off the crosshairs and all the HUD stuff—had zero effect on my precision. Now, granted, I have none to begin with, but auch eine blinde Uhr findet mal ein Korn!

And in a world dominated by can carry only two weapons design, B.J. is given 9 weapons to conduct his one-man-led Nazi-killing symphony, on the fly! Personal favorites: Bombenschuss (sniper) and Schockhammer 46 (za shotgun, main hot dogs!). I also love getting my hands dirty, so I often used my pipe to open the hintertür of the übermensh, establishing a connection with ‘em on a deeper, more intimeren level. And the thicc, bulging übermaschinengewehr—B.J. is slow as Nazilasses, but mowing down Nazis with it… better than the sex!

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But what touched me, in all the reich places—dual-welding. If you look up the word fun in the Wörterbuch, you’ll see a picture of me, dual-wielding (guns…). It gave me this otherworldly satisfaction—it’s double the boom of single-wielding! Silly single-weilding β’s will complain that you’re slow, reloading takes ages, and ammo goes brrrr. But, so what—killing has 16x the detail now! The only real issue I had is, MachineGames why you limiting me to only dual-wielding three guns? Do you know it was my dream since I was a wee little mensh of 3 years old to dual-weild übermaschinengewehr and mow down Nazis, with a fantastic fashion sense, while being half naked?

So anyway, the three guns: the pistol, assault rifle, and Schockhammer 46. The pistol was skip, assault rifle was nice, but the Schockhammer 46 was my beloved—very boom, no spazz, much kill—the Holy Trinity! When the Godrays hit the contents spewing out of the exploding Nazi heads just right, that’s when it all came (together). And my gawd, the visuals, impeccable. From the Nazi and their “futuristic” gear design, to the cast of characters and world they inhabit, it’s clear MachineGames is home to some exceptionally talented people!

Anyway, back to the gore—MachineGames, please, never cut back on gore in future games! There’s something so satisfying about witnessing bodily fluids free roam—it gives my bullets that umph, and I genuinely feel their impact! I do have to say, seeing all that (blood) squirting, it had me ponder—is dual-wielding Schockhammer 46s the answer to summoning the mythical female orgasm?
Vielleicht.
But that’s just a theory!

Now, the killing menu: big Nazi, smol Nazi, cooler smol Nazi, Gamer Headsset Nazi, doggies, big doggies, Nazi campers, and Nazi shotgun-lovers. As you can see, fun comes in all shapes and sizes! Heck, we even have boss Nazis. What made combat so fun was the way the game expertly combines the meats—each encounter had plenty of variety, making beating the meat super engaging, and sometimes quite challenging—it’s simple Nazi math my dear, Franz! The AI is also impressive, coordinating well, often looking for backshots. So, if you’re not careful, they will overwhelm and pincer you—ze blitzkrieg!

I also gotta praise the big Nazis—I loved fighting these walking tanks! They sport an übermaschinengewehr, which shrunk my health to a healthy 0 in a few seconds if I flashed B.J.’s nipples at them for too long. So, what do you do when you can't do nothing, but there's nothing you can do? You do what you can—you tap that (shoulder) bulge! That’s where the Bombenschuss shines. One well-placed round stuns them, and then it’s Bill Cosby time—undress their breast(plate) and expose the heart. After, it’s round 2: shoot the bulge twice boogalo to get that final stun and finish them off by nonfiguratively stabbing their exposed heart!

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This ordeal proved challenging whenever I alerted the entire checkpoint—Nazis ain’t patiently waiting for me to finish off their big friend, they coming for that fat ass mid finishing!

Now, Wolfe is a game from a bygone era, where injuries didn’t magically heal after not getting hit for a few seconds. Instead, you took it like a man and collected healing items. Maybe I’m finally acting my age (old), but I enjoy this system oh-so much! I can go full monke, but the design never made me stiff—I was always making moves, scanning my surroundings for pickups (health packs, armor pieces, etc.). Speaking of health pickups, B.J. can overdose on health and armor. You get the benefit of more protection, but it’s temporary, slowly trickling down to base numbers (100), so you’re never OP. Good news tho—overdose B.J. past a certain threshold and you get perks with permanent health/armor increase. So, juice away, my dudes!

But gameplay needs its partner-in-crime, level design, to be good as well—spoiler! it is! What I need you to understand is… these levels… they feel natürlich! It’s as if they’re genuinely part of the game world; it never felt like going from combat zone map A to combat zone map B. And they were all complex, offering lots of verticality, multiple paths, and sometimes even hidden paths, enhancing, be it stealthing or booming, dealer’s choice.

Schlussendlich, Wolfe Oldlich Bloodlich is just a damn fun game! From the shooting and the story, to the visuals, art direction, and Micky G. with the OST (the end credits song…ugh!)—it’s all fantastisch.

An alle, die es bis hierhin geschafft haben: Wenn ihr noch mehr göttliches Wissen sucht, dann folgt dem Glauben, der im Evangelium von Sv. Prolivije verkündet wird. Alle Mitglieder erhalten kostenlose Zahnpflege und 2 Wochen bezahlten Urlaub.

Just mid. (when I say mid I don't mean that it's bad, I mean that it's actually just mid or average)
This could definitely have been a DLC for TNO, but sure, it's pretty cheap and you get like 4-5 hours of a main story + a collect-a-thon if you want to 100% it. (♥♥♥♥ collect-a-thons)

As far as the Story goes, it's lowkey a nothing burger.
Some stuff happens and you retrieve a folder with secrets or smth. Idk, the characters and the main villain are far less interesting and developed compared to the other entries.
That Jaeger guy was pretty cool, it's kinda sad that they killed him off so soon, but alas.

Uhh, the gameplay is alright, it's a little better than The New Order IMO, the guns feel better and there aren't nearly as many annoying parts.

Holy ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ final boss.
The zombie section was pretty awesome tho, I can't lie.

I'd give "Wolfenstein: The Old Blood" a 6/10, it didn't overstay its welcome but also didn't have much of substance imo.

horrible start but everything after that made this my favorite wolfenstein